Wednesday, May 28, 2014
The Failure Rate

The other day I put a post on Facebook that read as follows:

The heart beats so violent and somehow, unbelievably, I can't find the words. They're just gone, as though the water had never been colder.

It should come as no surprise that I was asked what that meant. It means that as I'm contemplating all that has happened, all that could happen, and what I may or may not do in that very moment, my heart felt as though it were going to beat out of my chest. It was extraordinary; I've so very rarely felt anything like it in my life. During the course of such palpitations, I couldn't bring myself to say anything. There is so much that I know - and so little - that she hasn't come to realize in regards to what she's doing. The reference to the water being cold is simply an analogy; when a person jumps into water that is so unexpectedly cold they seem to lose everything for a moment, the body and the mind shocked by the dramatic shift in what it's thus far been used to.

That's what is happening here: a dramatic shift in what I'm used to. I'm used to love, respect, and a certain degree of trust. After everything that has happened, trust was always a vulnerable facet of the relationship, and now, with all that is currently going on, it's a commodity that is becoming scarce.

I'm feeling lost. There no longer seems to be any respect, and the value of trust is being lost. I still love her, truly, but I'm watching this from the outside, like I would with anything of importance, and seeing it fail. I want this to be different. The failure rate to this point has been one hundred percent. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't, but after nearly 29 years, that amounts to an awful lot of failure.

Posted at 10:20 pm by Low_Emissions
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Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Lemons and Gold

Lemons and Gold.

I have a beautiful girlfriend who I am in love with.

We are expecting our first kid in March and not many people know that yet.

I have started school again; this is my second semester back and already it is more difficult than the first.

I have a lot to be nervous about.

I believe I'll have a few stories to tell and emotions to express and I intend to do so here on Lemons and Gold, because finding the time to write in my journal is becoming more and more difficult these days.

But this is it for now.

Posted at 03:17 pm by Low_Emissions
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